THE ACT OF LISTENING: Communication's Most Fundamental Skill

"Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply."

-Steven Covey

Many believe they are good listeners. In reality, few are. Several factors affect listening. These include, but are not limited to, being distracted, having low interest, feeling anxious, or just basically not knowing how to best do this! The latter group may be well-intentioned but lacking in fundamental skills. And then there are those who are natural and gifted communicators; possessing both the innate ability to listen attentively and speak clearly. For most of us, intentional communication is a skill that requires honing, developing and practicing. Well worth it as with devoting time and effort, we will find ourselves and our communications becoming more intentional, purposeful and collaborative; thereby reducing unnecessary ambiguity and conflict. 

LISTENING

The Communication Builder

We often hear about the importance of communication in relationships but if you break down communication into its subparts, active listening is the component that is often lacking and is, by far, the most important. It gives direction to the conversation. Conversations can either deepen or weaken based on whether or not we feel heard.

How often do you hear someone say how much they like a particular person because He really listened to me or She really got what I was trying to say ? 

When we feel heard, we feel valued. We feel respected. Conflicts tend to escalate not necessarily because two sides cannot agree, but because there is often a feeling of not being heard or seen. Most are not looking for others to always agree with them but they are seeking to feel validated and respected. 

Listening is not just about hearing words; it's about intentionally connecting with what the speaker is conveying. This may be in words or without the use of words (such as in non-verbal communication). Sometimes non-verbal communication is louder and clearer than verbal. A good listener is attuned to both, as both are essential for personal and professional success. Whether sitting in a lecture hall, in a group, or one-on-one with a friend, listening is an act of presence; of mindfulness. 

The enhancement of listening skills will exponentially elevate your communication skills. Good listening and communication skills belong to a category labeled SOFT SKILLS (as they are often referred to in workplace settings). 

SOFT SKILLS

Labeled SOFT, these are the coveted skills in the corporate world as those complementing TECHNICAL skills. The soft skills tap into emotional intelligence (EQ). Individuals high in EQ show advanced ability to consistently perceive, use, comprehend, and regulate emotions. Due to these high abilities, they tend to engender trust from others. Soft skills are the personal attributes or personality traits that promote effective and harmonious interactions with others. Harder to measure than technical skills, they are nonetheless easily observed when demonstrated in the workplace or team setting. In other words, we often can quickly identify those with excellent soft skills. 

Leaders high in these skills tend to create more cohesive and harmonious teams than those for whom these skills are considered low. Simply speaking, we like working for managers or supervisors with advanced soft skills, as we often come to view them as "leaders" as opposed to "bosses." Leaders create a different and positive vibe in their organizations. They lead with  inspiration and motivation! 

So other than good listening and communication skills, what else falls under soft skills? Those possessing powerful soft skills and/or EQ are often described as:

1. Collaborators 
2. Critical thinkers and Problem solvers
3. Motivators and Influencers
4. Efficient, Organized and Focused 

To weave soft skills and EQ back into effective listening skills, presented below are reasons why improving listening skills will undoubtedly improve your life and the lives of those around you. 

THE BENEFITS PACKAGE

Good listening is a win-win, whether when interacting with others or with yourself, the ability to listen will help enhance your peace and reduce unnecessary conflicts. 

BUILDING RELATIONSHIPS

Couples who listen well, function well. When listening to understand another's concerns, perspective, emotions, experiences, intentions, etc., you are communicating YOU MATTER TO ME! 

Few conflicts devolve into the abyss when these factors are taken into consideration. While there will always be some degree of conflict in any long-term and deep relationship, the truth is (and any relationship therapist will tell you this), most conflicts escalate because someone did not  feel heard and not necessarily because there was a lack of agreement. We can disagree with others while still maintaining healthy boundaries, connections and relationships. 

Relationship building is not exclusively reserved for romantic partnerships. Other relationships include the ones we have with our children, parents, other family members, friends, neighbors, co-workers, etc.  The human factor has to be taken into consideration when dealing with humans! What does this mean? Emotions matter! How we help to make others feel will go a long way in creating harmony.

LEARNING & GROWTH

How often do you invite yourself to learn and grow, as a person, a leader, a parent, a partner, a sibling, a friend, a student, etc.? 

Those with poor listening skills also tend to be closed off to receiving feedback (from either others or life itself). This stifles self-reflection, self-awareness, and psychological growth. It also stifles executive functioning development; the key skills necessary for success in life. 

Listening allows you to receive and absorb novel information and through the new data, you can grow your mind to see things from a different angle or perspective; therefore enhancing neuroplasticity. Being a good listener allows you to learn from others and a good observer allows you to learn from their experiences (a term referred to as vicarious learning). ALL GOOD LEADERS HAVE GOOD LISTENING SKILLS, as well as solid observational skills. Whether you are leading a household, a classroom, a corporation, a sports team, or yourself, LISTENING is key to connecting, inspiring and motivating. 

Others will trust you when you listen and incorporate helpful feedback. 

You will trust yourself when you listen inwardly and incorporate helpful feedback into your life!

NEUROPLASTICITY

Now that you know the benefits, let's dive into the HOW TO —> 

6 GUIDING PRINCIPLES TO IMPROVE YOUR LISTENING SKILLS

1. BE ATTENTIVE

Bring your full attention span to the conversation or meeting. As best as possible, rid yourself of or turn away from items or devices that tend to distract you. This may include your phone, iPad, television, etc. Maintain eye contact with the speaker and mindfully listen! As a side note, we can tell when someone is listening and when they're not. Think about the last conversation you had with someone. Did you feel you were being heard? Did you feel you had this person's attention? Did the person feel distracted to you? How did you feel as a result? 

2. PRACTICE ACTIVE LISTENING & ATTENDING

There is a reason psychotherapists spend a great deal of time in graduate school learning and honing effective listening skills. It is a fundamental component to our training. Back in the day, as a psychologist in training, countless hours were spent in supervision (individual and group) just on this key skill. Training involved listening for what's being said and what's not being said. Both the art of verbal and nonverbal communication is taught!

To practice active listening, when in communication, periodically and when appropriate, engage the speaker by nodding, and making statements such as "I see" or "I would like to hear more" as just a few examples. Summarizing what was said as a technique to further understand is also a good idea. It allows the speaker to say, "Yes, that's it," or "No, that's not what I meant."

3. AVOID INTERRUPTING 

While there are times you do need to interrupt as not every conversation deserves your time and attention, as a matter of general principle, people like to finish their thoughts and for good relationship building, allowing them to do so goes a long way! Giving someone the time and space to think, speak and share can be viewed as a gift, especially to someone who does not get to experience this act of thoughtfulness on a consistent basis. 

There is an epidemic of loneliness that is affecting so many these days. While loneliness impacts everyone differently, we all need meaningful connections in order to thrive. The deeper our relationships, the better our outlook and reporting of personal satisfaction. It appears that social media and the advancements in technology have actually created the opposite intended effect; more superficial and less meaningful interactions and conversations. We never know how far our extension of kindness of offering someone a listening ear will go. 

4. EXERCISE EMPATHY & COMPASSION

Build your empathy and compassion muscles. Do not be so quick to judge, blame and assume you 100% know the other's intentions or motivations. Many have been humbled in being too quick to point fingers at others (when it actually needed to be pointing back at themselves). Try to take others' perspectives and see what it was like dealing with the situation from their point of view. When we acknowledge emotions, feelings and circumstances, we help to validate another's experience. This can feel so deeply healing and connecting! 

5. ASK QUESTIONS 

Seek to understand and not judge. If you don't know, ask. Communicate that you are authentically and mindfully trying to understand. When the speaker shares, remain open-minded. If you still don't understand, it's ok to continue to ask. The result may be that you don't get it but it's in the act of trying that moves the conversation further and helps mitigate the conflict. By asking and also reflecting back on what the speaker said or what you understood, you will aid in promoting positive feelings. 

6. BE MINDFUL OF WHAT'S NOT BEING SAID!

Actions do speak louder than words. Body language, tone of voice and facial expressions communicate volumes. Pay attention to both the words being spoken, the ones that are not, and the behaviors of the person. For example, just because they said the right words, it does not mean they intend on honoring them. By keenly observing and being patient, you will know more about this person, this relationship, this situation, this organization, etc. than had you engaged in a distracted, inattentive, judgmental, interruptive, close-minded, and lacking in empathy manner.  Once you know, you will be in the most ideal position to best decide your next course of action! OBSERVATION & ATTENTIVELY LISTENING leave valuable clues! Don't ignore them. 

Good listening, a fundamental communication skill, will open doors for you, improve your decision making and conflict resolution competencies, and create a less dysregulated and stress induced life. Who wouldn't want that? 

"And so I had him thinking of me as a good conversationalist when, in reality, I had been merely a good listener and had encouraged him to talk."

-Dale Carnegie

The information presented in the LIFE IN FOCUS blog is intended for general knowledge and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment. As with most things in life, there isn't a magic pill or "cure-all" but there are strategies to help regain control of your life.

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