The POWER of SELF INQUIRY to EXPRESS OUR HIGHEST SELF: Gain Wisdom, Peace & Clarity through Self-Reflection

QUESTIONS PLAY A KEY ROLE IN OUR PERSONAL GROWTH 

Practicing self-inquiry throughout our day in a fully mindful and conscientious manner is one of the healthiest, most beneficial acts we can engage in and will help move us forward toward our purpose and highest self than almost any other single activity. 

 

Listen inwardly. 

Listen for inspiration, creativity, and answers. 

Listen to learn. 

Keep the channels of communication open. 

Access the wise self within. 

Energize this wisdom.

MIND YOURSELF

Your mind, an integrated set of complex, strange and wonderful faculties, can either be your best friend or worst enemy. At times, it is your most trusted confidante, and at other times, your tormentor and saboteur. Popular self-help literature promotes the narrative of a powerful internal locus of control; basically the belief that individuals have exceptional influence over the events that occur in their lives, and that by changing or tweaking a few faulty thinking patterns or practicing certain behaviors, a transformative change will occur, resulting in happiness, contentment, and success. While certainly possible, in all likelihood, it is unlikely. 

Why? Because more permanent, sustainable change typically requires a deeper internal shift. Deeper shifts come from self-inquiry and challenging core beliefs. However, this is not to discount changes in thought or behavioral patterns that come about simply through obtaining greater clarity or additional information that helped bring to light a healthier alternative. Not everything requires deep thought and introspection. Sometimes we do better simply because we know better. For example, an individual may decide to incorporate a daily gratitude practice after learning about its benefits and yield its positive rewards without having soul-searched or experienced a profound shift in personal identity. 

In general, however, tweaking thought or behavioral patterns and living a sustained "healthier lifestyle" require some inner-work and a shift in one's personal self-definition. The deep work involves examining the relationship we have with ourselves; with open, engaging, and productive communication. This type of self-relationship is mind and soul nourishing, and is the springboard for true success in life as defined by an internal sense of equanimity, peace and joy.  A quote made popular by Anthony Robbins: 

A change in your personal definition will instantly change the talents you express, the behaviors you demonstrate, and the aspirations you pursue. 

While I can agree with Robbins' wisdom, the challenge in the "instantly change"  is of one's personal definition. This is where "the work" takes place. When we change HOW we see ourselves, we have the potential to change the habits and behaviors that ultimately align with the more evolved identity. If I see myself as fit and athletic, then in all likelihood, I will exhibit behaviors that match with this identity, such as working out, eating nourishing foods, and engaging with like-minded fit and athletic individuals. 

 WHO AM I?

The achievement of success will depend on our ability to access keen insights and psychological awareness. In essence, how well and how accurately do I know myself? While some individuals are naturally more insightful and self-curious, they certainly are not exempt from having to do the work to hone these skills. There is always room for growth and improvement. 

The process of self-discovery is both wide and deep, oftentimes resembling a labyrinth. Analogous to navigating through marsh or swamp land in an effort to explore parts of nature not easily observed, so too is the trek inward. 

It can certainly feel tiresome, laborious,   uncomfortable, and challenging.   If it didn't, then did one really do the work? We are complex. Knowing ourselves requires exploration. 

 

An honest self-assessment requires exploring blind spots, defense mechanisms, and a plethora of below the surface subconscious activities, such as repressed ideas, weaknesses, desires, addictions, etc. Through exploration, patterns will emerge, and integration occurs. These integrated patterns will provide the insights necessary to shape future experiences. At any given moment, we are presented with two dichotomous choices: 

Evolve or Repeat

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

Emotional intelligence, springing into popularity in the 1990s, became the new buzz word and it served to weaken the power of the intelligence quotient (IQ) as the quintessential criterion for success, in favor of the emotional quotient (EQ). However, the theory of the various typologies of intelligence was introduced in the early 1980s by developmental psychologist, Howard Gardner as presented in his book, Frames of Mind. Two types of of intelligence pertinent to this blog include interpersonal and intrapersonal and are described as: 

Interpersonal Intelligence

The capacity to comprehend intentions, motivations, and desires of others and to work harmoniously with others. This type of individual thrives in group or team settings. 

Intrapersonal Intelligence

The capacity to comprehend oneself; intentions, motivations, and desires and to use this information in self-regulation. This type of individual seeks time for introspection and places great value on self-discovery. 

Individuals high in both will naturally exhibit strengths in EQ since they possess the combination of skills within its cluster. The construct of EQ entails a wide range of abilities such as to accurately assess and engage emotions, empathize, make good decisions and interact successfully in the socio-emotional world. Those high in EQ are natural leaders due to their  strong abilities to reach others, motivate, inspire and create a favorable workplace environment that feels cohesive and inclusive, as opposed to divisive and chaotic. However, just because this comes naturally to an individual, as with any other talent,  it can only be honed when attended to and practiced. 

EXECUTIVE

FUNCTIONING 

Executive functioning (EF) refers to our brain's cognitive processes for goal directed and purposeful behaviors, They include attention, focus, organization, planning, self-reflection, working memory, and emotional and behavioral self-regulation. They are our control or supervisory center, located within the frontal and prefrontal lobes representing a fairly large area consuming approximately 1/3 of the brain's cortical geography. Whether sharp, dull, flexible, rigid, focused, wandering, etc., these characteristics will determine your success (or lack of) in life, both personally and professionally. Virtually all aspects of enhanced EF are at the mercy of self-awareness.

Awareness is the greatest agent for change. 

-Eckhart Tolle

KNOW THYSELF

The Ancient Greek inscription Know Thyself, carved at the entrance of Apollo's temple, has inspired countless individuals throughout history to embark on an inward journey with the intended destination of self-understanding. In modern times, "busyness" has hijacked our lives, leaving us feeling empty, depleted and directionless. Few are investing even a few minutes out of their day to examine, connect, or reflect. Breathing has become shallow and our minds distracted; with the unfortunate consequence of  our bodies taking the hit. Many find themselves seeking therapy when fatigue, physical illness, stress, and/or an unfortunate life transition occurs. 

A common theme in therapy is to explore and discover hidden desires, ambitions, and goals. Therapists probe in order to learn more about the internal intentions and processes of the Human BE-ing, and not Human DO-ing, sitting across from them. 

Through therapy, one can expect a revelation of insights, patterns, and solutions. However, this will take time and requires putting in the effort to inwardly explore. 

The following questions are commonplace in therapy: 

• What is the outcome you desire?
• What do you believe will make you happy and/or help you feel fulfilled?
• If all your troubles magically disappeared, what would you focus on? 

These search-and-discovery type questions are often met with a blank stare or an “I don’t know.” 

The preponderance of alexithymic-type responses, revealing a disconnect between self-experience, self-perception, and the person’s needs and wants is all too often sadly the case, at least initially.  

While we each have our stories, few invest in finding personal truth; in enhancing self-awareness. In lieu, we seek comfort in advancing a narrative that is both favorable and palatable, or one that is unfavorable and filled with hardship and suffering. We become attached to our stories whether or not they approximate reality. Unfortunately, adverse life experiences such as trauma, a difficult relationship (where elements of gaslighting are taking place), and grief and loss, can significantly impact how we view ourselves and our futures. 

Gaslighting 

Before moving forward, let's pause and reflect on gaslighting, as it deserves more attention than a mere mention. Gaslighting is a form of mental or psychological manipulation in which an individual attempts to gain control and power over another by the insidious use of creating self-doubt and confusion within the targeted  victim. While many believe gaslighting is restricted to romantic relationships, it unfortunately all too often occurs elsewhere such as between family members,  work colleagues, and pseudo-friends. 

Those on the receiving end gradually start to question their sanity and judgement. As significant doubt enters one's emotional and mental framework, the sense of self weakens. The FINAL Result? A complete erosion in self-confidence and self-esteem. 

Protective barriers to being the victim of gaslighting is cultivating strong self-awareness and surrounding oneself with emotionally healthy, well-intentioned and supportive individuals. This  trusted community of family, friends, and/or mental health professionals can offer an unbiased perspective as they are emotionally distanced from the manipulative experience. 

 

ALTERING REALITY: Working Below the Surface 

The altering of reality is often occurring at a subconscious level and its goal is to keep anxious and uncomfortable emotions and feelings at bay.  It is an attempt to disengage from the discomfort. Whether cognitive dissonance, a deeply rooted memory, shame, guilt, or a combination of these, the underlying goal is to detach from, camouflage and/or bury that part of the self. 

Psychological Blind Spots 

A psychological blind spot is a chronic lack of self-awareness regarding a personal trait or behavior. Unfortunately, what one does not know about oneself will become a source of personal weakness or vulnerability. A skilled  detective examines the data, looks for patterns, and ties up loose ends. 

A good starting place for inner-detective work is to examine intense emotional reactions. This is not to say that emotional reactions that would be considered “underwhelming” or “lacking in intensity” should not get similar attention; it’s just that these emotional states are more difficult to access and typically not where we would strategically start. Think raw versus numb, or frozen. 

In general, raw has an easier access and entry point. Starting with the bigger, more expressive feelings will open invisible doors leading to more excavation and insight. Deciding to either ignore or minimize the importance of these emotions or behaviors will unfortunately result in larger blind spots. And even worse, they will often become the loudest most expressive parts of ourselves to which we will have little awareness; however, to others, these blind spots will be clearly visible. 

In the next section, we will briefly explore the gatekeepers of the blind spots; the defense mechanisms.

The Defense Mechanisms: The Psyche’s Military

Defense mechanisms are behaviors we utilize (that are not under our conscious control) to separate ourselves from unpleasant situations, circumstances, actions, or thoughts. These psychological tactics help place distance between ourselves and perceived threats or unwanted feelings, such as anxiety, guilt, or shame. First proposed by Sigmund Freud and then later advanced by his daughter, Anna Freud, this theory has not only evolved over time, but psychoanalytic research has helped to expand our understanding of how they take root and express themselves within the human psyche. While defense mechanisms are normal and natural components to our psychological development, they can run amok and create significant socio-emotional conflicts when they are not identified. 

Popular defense mechanisms most are familiar with include denial, rationalization, compartmentalization, and projection. Their temporary use while attempting to gather our thoughts and plan our next steps are not as problematic as ones used in a chronically, unaware manner that offer little hope in resolving a conflict and, in fact, may lead to greater and sometimes irreparable problems or damages. Applicable in this situation is the term "self-sabotage." 

At the very least, we should know our personal go-to defense mechanism(s). Again, they occur beneath the surface and are not directly under our conscious control. When attempting to cope with an upsetting or destabilizing situation, they take over. However, a positive outcome will in all likelihood rely on the extent in which we can quickly identify what is going on, problem solve, and resolve or effectively deal with the conflict. Emotional and behavioral resiliency is highly reliant on not allowing defense mechanisms to dominate our lives as they serve to veer us away from our truth; from what we intimately know deep inside of ourselves. As any good psychotherapist will attest, denial is a powerful defense mechanism. One of my favorite self-reflection questions that serves to excavate denial is:  

WHAT IS IT ABOUT THIS SITUATION THAT 

I AM PRETENDING NOT TO KNOW? 

TOXIC POSITIVITY

Many confuse emotional avoidance with having a "positive mindset." While this re-frame may appear more welcoming, the truth is that avoiding is really postponing. Avoiding real issues, conflicts, discussions, etc. is another act of self-sabotage in that we, in all likelihood, will be re-visiting poorly dealt with emotions at a later time. THE PROBLEM? The emotions and their ramifications will grow bigger. If avoiding or walking away from a particular situation solves it, then we have made a wise decision. Sometimes Letting Go is the best option. However, if our reason for avoidance is rooted in believing we are steering away from "negativity," then we may be surprised to learn we're actually co-creating a bigger problem that is brewing like an impending storm beneath the surface. 

Am I avoiding or postponing? 

                                                                                        

WHAT ARE THE BENEFITS OF SELF AWARENESS? 

• Improved relationships
• Better communication 
• Lower levels of stress
• Higher immune functioning 
• Improved life satisfaction
• Better mood
• Clarity in thinking and problem solving
• Increased productivity 

There are many paths to self awareness. All actions that guide the self toward growth will lead to greater self-knowledge. Asking great questions is essential when conversing to gain wisdom or insight. 

Be self-curious

DEVELOP A MINDFULNESS PRACTICE

Mindfulness, the act of paying attention to the present moment with a non-judgmental attitude, has a plethora of  therapeutic benefits. In our busy worlds, where multi-tasking has become synonymous with efficiency and productivity, we find ourselves buried under the pressures of a never ending To-Do list and time constraints that create a dysregulated and unbalanced life. A chronic sense of urgency is one of the leading factors to stress, high blood pressure, and heart disease. It also keeps us from being still long enough to ponder life changing, insight-oriented questions. 

The Question:   

Am I living mindfully or mindlessly? 

Periodically, throughout the day, pausing and conducting a mini check-in is advised. Take a moment and ask questions such as: 

• Do I feel connected to this present activity?

• How am I feeling right now?

• Is this present activity energizing me or depleting me of my energy?

• When I listen to my body, what is it telling me I need? 

• What am I paying attention to at this moment?

• What is the rhythm of my life right now? Too fast, too slow? Smooth, irregular?

• Does this thought or action support the life I am creating or, in other words,  Am I living in alignment?

Meditate

Meditation is a process that allows us to slow down; to go inwardly, accessing deeper insights. In contrast to a time-out, it's more of a time-in.

There are many different types of meditation, mostly falling under the broad categories of guided and unguided (or silent) meditations. There is not a universally accepted or "best" method, but there are components to meditation that are consistent across practices. They include: 

•     Focused attention
•     Breath awareness
•     Quiet and comfortable setting
•    Attitude of non-judgement or “observer”

Journal

Research has well documented that journaling and self-reflection are powerful agents of change, insight, healing, and growth. 

Whether journaling for life management, creative expression, problem solving or just to record your history, the act of taking pen to paper and writing is powerful. Add self-reflection prompts, and journaling becomes a truly transformative experience. Another benefit to journaling is that it provides the opportunity to go back and re-read entries. What once may have appeared as an insurmountable challenge may, with the passage of time, be viewed as a blessing in disguise.

You may also find that you worried about events and outcomes that turned out to be nothing at all. When enough of these entries are evaluated, it does not take long to realize that what can appear big in the moment can easily shrink in importance with a little distance, as is so beautifully captured in this famous quote: 

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened. 

-Mark Twain 

 

RESILIENCE & EMOTIONAL FITNESS SELF-CHECKLIST

Grab a notepad and pen and carefully reflect on the following questions. Jot down notes, thoughts, and/or inspirations as they surface. 

• Can I accurately identify what I'm feeling? 

• Can I accurately identify the source of this feeling?

• Can I accurately read others' non-verbal signals such as facial expressions or body language?

• How easily do I connect with and understand others' emotional states or feelings? 

• Am I able to establish healthy boundaries while empathically connecting with others? 

• Do my choices and decisions benefit me?

• Do my choices and decisions benefit others?

• Would those closest to me agree with my responses to these questions?

• What did I learn about myself answering these questions? 

INVEST IN YOURSELF

You are your longest and deepest relationship. Psychological wellness is key to managing life, maintaining healthy personal and family relationships, performing well at school and/or work, and engaging in healthy habits that contribute to feeling energized and motivated. Establishing healthy boundaries is the cornerstone for self-care, which is another term for self-respect, and optimum work-life balance.  

All profound personal transformation emanates from insight; from being self-curious. Involving a skilled psychotherapist trained in accessing deeper feelings and motivations can help advance our lives in powerful ways. Insight oriented  talk therapy helps synthesize our stories through the process of intentional listening, in a reflective, non-judgmental and focused manner. The aim is deeper self-discovery and acceptance as a pathway toward alignment; toward living with passion and purpose, and connecting strongly with our raison d'être. 

 The right questions allow for clarity, targeted problem solving, and resolution. 

A healthy self (emotionally, physically, and spiritually) is the greatest gift we can give to those we love and to ourselves. 

 

References

Gardner, Howard. (1083). Frames of Mind: The Theory of Multiple Intelligences. New York: Basic Books, 

Freud, A., Baines, C., & Hogarth Press,(1937). The ego and the mechanisms of defence. London: Published by Leonard and Virginia Woolf at The Hogarth Press, and the Institute of Psycho-analysis.

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The information presented in this blog is intended for general knowledge 

and is not a substitute for medical or psychological advice or treatment. 

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